For families who have adopted children—particularly those from foster care— parenting often involves navigating complex emotional landscapes. Many adopted children come from backgrounds of trauma, neglect, or disrupted caregiving, which can create emotional barriers even in their “forever families.” One effective approach that can help adopted children heal and thrive is attachment parenting. This parenting philosophy centers on building emotional bonds, fostering trust, and creating a nurturing environment to address the deep-seated fears and insecurities that adopted children may carry with them.
However, the journey of healing for adopted children is not always linear. Adopted children often experience an internal conflict between what they know and what they feel. They may understand that they are part of their forever family, but still feel isolated, disconnected, and anxious. This emotional dissonance can be confusing for both the child and their parents, as the child may act out in ways that don’t align with their conscious understanding of their new environment.
Emotional conflict like this is rooted in the limbic system: a group of interconnected brain structures that govern emotions, behavior, and survival instincts. The limbic system responds to emotional cues, not logical ones. For children who have experienced trauma, their limbic system may remain on high alert, driving behaviors that are based on hyper-vigilance. This is why an adopted child may display behaviors that seem irrational or disconnected from their current environment.
For example, a child may act out or become withdrawn, not because they don’t trust their new family, but because their brain is still operating in a state of survival. Attachment parenting, with its focus on emotional connection and consistency, can help rewire these emotional responses and provide a sense of safety for the child.
What is Attachment Parenting?
Attachment parenting is a philosophy that emphasizes responsive, consistent, loving care to help children develop a deep sense of security. The core idea is that when a child’s emotional and physical needs are met, they are more likely to develop healthy attachments and, eventually, more secure and stable relationships throughout their lives.
Key principles of attachment parenting include:
- Emotional Availability – Being present and responsive to a child’s needs, whether they are physical (hunger, discomfort) or emotional (fear, sadness).
- Responding with sensitivity – Considering all expressions of emotions, including tantrums, as efforts at communicating.
- Consistent Care – Being a reliable source of comfort and care, so the child knows they can depend on you in moments of distress.
- Nurturing Touch – Providing physical closeness and affection, such as holding, hugging, and sitting close, to foster feelings of safety.
- Positive Discipline – Approaching behavior correction with empathy and understanding, rather than punishment.
Striving towards balance in personal and family life – Parents are encouraged to live a healthy lifestyle that includes self care to prevent parenting burnout.
Practical Tips for Attachment Parenting with Adopted Kids
Be patient and consistent
Building trust takes time. Stay consistent in your responses to their needs and emotions and over time, your child will begin to feel secure in your love.
Practice nurturing touch Children who have experienced neglect or trauma may be wary of physical touch, but gentle, nurturing touch can be a powerful tool for building trust and security. Hugs, holding hands, sitting nearby, even direct eye contact and focused attention can help your child feel safe and connected to you.
Validate their emotions Help them feel seen and understood by validating their emotions. Instead of dismissing their fears or frustrations, acknowledge how they feel and offer comfort.
Use empathetic discipline Instead of focusing on punishment, use discipline as a teaching tool. Help your child understand the consequences of their actions while offering guidance on how to make better choices in the future. Empathy goes a long way in fostering emotional security.
Create rituals and routines Establishing regular routines—like bedtime rituals, family meals, or weekly family activities—can help your child feel safe and loved, knowing what to expect.
Principles of Attachment Parenting in Adoption
Attachment parenting for adopted children focuses on creating emotionally secure, attachment-based experiences that help children heal from their early traumas. Some things to understand when implementing attachment parenting are:- Preverbal memories can motivate attachment anxiety Traumatic memories from early childhood, even before a child can speak, leave an emotional imprint that can drive attachment anxiety. Adopted children may not remember pre-verbal separations or traumas, but their bodies and brains have been imprinted. Interventions, therefore, should be experience-based rather than simply verbal. To counter these early, unspoken memories the child needs to feel unconditional love and acceptance consistently.
- Expect power struggles but teach problem-solving Adopted children who have experienced trauma may engage in power struggles with their parents as an expression of insecurity. However, engaging in power struggles can reinforce the child’s feeling of disconnection or helplessness. Instead, focus on collaborative problem-solving that helps the child feel empowered, respected, and loved.
- All behavior is goal-oriented All behavior, especially in young children, is goal-oriented. When children misbehave, they are often trying to meet one or more of these goals:
- To feel connected
- To have courage
- To feel capable
- To feel like they matter
Signs of Unhealed Attachment Trauma
Some common signs of unresolved attachment trauma include:- Behaviors resembling ADHD or Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD) – Many adopted children display behaviors that can resemble these disorders, such as hyperactivity, impulsiveness, defiance, or aggression. However, what professionals might diagnose as ADHD or ODD could actually be a result of hyper-vigilance. Hyper-vigilance is a heightened state of awareness and readiness to respond to perceived threats. For adopted children, especially those who have experienced trauma, hyper-vigilance is a way of staying emotionally “on guard,” even when they are in a safe environment. They may have difficulty relaxing, focusing, or trusting others because their limbic system is still operating in survival mode.
- Behaviors that exhibit emotional dysregulation – Many adopted children engage in behaviors that regulate feelings about attachment in ways that can be confusing for parents. These behaviors often manifest as pushing away and then pulling back. For example, a child may allow themselves to be loved, but then experience anxiety about that closeness and act out to push their parents away. This behavior is driven by a deep fear of abandonment and of being too vulnerable.
- Fear of abandonment – Many adoptees, even in secure and loving homes, are driven by a deep fear of being abandoned again. This fear can drive behaviors like emotional outbursts, withdrawal, or aggression, which may confuse and frustrate parents who are trying to connect with their child.
How Attachment Parenting Can Help Adopted Children
Many adopted children, especially those who have spent time in foster care, may have experienced disrupted attachments throughout life. They may have had multiple caregivers, lived in unstable environments, or endured trauma. This often results in difficulty trusting caregivers and forming secure emotional bonds.
Attachment parenting seeks to repair this by providing the child a framework of stability, safety, and love in order to form healthy, secure attachments. Here’s how this parenting style can help adopted children thrive:
- It can provide support for healing
Attachment parenting helps create an environment where children can start to heal. By offering a reliable and nurturing presence, parents can help children begin to let go of their fear and start forming secure attachments.
- It teaches consistency and unconditional love
For children who have experienced instability, one of the most important things you can offer is consistency. Attachment parenting emphasizes being there for your child consistently—physically, emotionally, and mentally. This reliability helps the child feel safe and secure, knowing that their caregiver will not leave them, even in challenging moments.
- It provides patience to allow time for improvements
Many adopted children may struggle with trusting adults, especially if they have been moved from one home to another or experienced abandonment. Attachment parenting allows trust to grow gradually, as the child sees that their parent is consistently there to meet their needs, offering care and comfort.
- It addresses emotional dysregulation
Children who have experienced early trauma may have difficulty managing their emotions. They might overreact to minor stressors or have trouble calming down when upset. Attachment parenting helps address this by allowing children a safe caregiver to turn to for comfort. Over time, this supports emotional regulation as the child builds confidence and understands that they are not alone.
Addressing Misbehavior with Attachment Parenting
When an adopted child misbehaves, it’s important to understand that their behavior is not a personal attack, but rather an expression of unmet emotional needs. Here’s how to respond using attachment parenting principles:- Validate their emotions
Let your child know that it’s okay to feel what they’re feeling, whether it’s anger, sadness, or frustration. Validating their emotions helps them feel understood and seen which can help the child separate their emotions from their actions, making it easier to address the underlying issue. - Align with them to achieve their goal or unmet need
Once the child’s emotions are validated, work together to help them achieve their emotional goals—whether it’s feeling connected, capable, or valued. Aligning with the child in this way reduces any adversarial dynamic and promotes collaboration. - Create a secure attachment experience
The ultimate goal is to create a secure attachment. This means providing consistent emotional availability, love, and understanding. When a child misbehaves, see it as an opportunity to deepen the bond by collaborating to meet their emotional needs.
Adopted children often face a deep internal conflict between what they believe and what they feel. While they may know they are loved and safe, their emotional responses are often driven by past trauma and a fear of abandonment. Through attachment parenting, families can help bridge this gap, providing the emotional connection, consistency, and safety that children need to heal from their broken attachments. With time, attachment parenting can transform an adopted child’s sense of belonging, helping them feel truly connected and valued in their forever family.
EYS families may have access to counseling. Contact your CFS or call the office for more information.
SOURCES: 10 Ways Attachment Parenting Discipline is Easier (2020). Ask Dr. Sears. https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/parenting/discipline-behavior/attachment-parenting-discipline/ Effective Discipline. Attachment Parenting International. https://www.attachmentparenting.org/effective-discipline Sears, Martha RN. Discipline Strategies for Attachment Parenting. Ask Dr. Sears. https://www.askdrsears.com/sears-family-connect/mondays-with-martha/discipline-strategies/ Insecure Attachment & Emotional Dysregulation in Relationships (2022). The Attachment Project. https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/insecure-attachment-emotional-dysregulation/ Brown, Joel (2023). Indicators of Unresolved Attachment Trauma. Addicted2Success. https://addicted2success.com/life/5-indicators-of-unresolved-attachment-trauma/ What Does Attachment Parenting Look Like With an Adopted Child? (2017). Mothering. https://www.mothering.com/threads/what-does-attachment-parenting-look-like-with-an-adopted-child.1625839/ Gillis, Kaytee LCSW (2022). 10 Possible Signs of Unresolved Attachment Trauma. Psychology Today. https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/invisible-bruises/202212/10-possible-signs-of-unhealed-attachment-trauma
